a bit personal. a bit dark. a lot real.

[W]herever I sat - on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok - I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air. ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 15



How did I know that someday - at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere - the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again? ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 20



I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am. ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 20

I think about the Bell Jar allusion all too much anymore. The warped edges of a clear glass, not portraying truth. The trapped sensation of the bubble that follows you like your driving it around. The absolute stank that fogs up the already distorted windows. And the strange comfort of being miserable in your cocoon--it's a negative home, but it's your home. A home is where you rest, or is it where you stay unrested? Rather, is it where you decide to live (miserable or happy)? How do you lift up out of something so heavy? How do you tip the glass ever so much to let a little fresh air in? or let you out? Sometimes you don't even know you are trapped, but there are clear moments when you are so conscious, all that mind junk hangs on you like dirty wet clothes, and you want them gone now! *Home = mental environment.

I'm going through one of these episodes, where I am in stale air, swimming in stagnation, dripping with excessive unneeded despair, and terrified of how easy this happens to me. Of course I am worrying about a recent physical ailment that is undiagnosed and the unknown exacerbates my trailing anxiety-depression- obsessive compulsive mind behavior. I may find out this is the ultimate psychosomatic stress manifestation and if I do I will be absolutely amazed at what a mind can do to a body. I don't think it is, but I do know that it's time to give up the strong hold on my will to fight the lacking. I cannot manage with this little. I am going to take my anti-depressant pill and hopefully bon voyage across the sea of comfort and tranquility.